離、散、光、復 (Depart, Scatter, Light, Restore)

Judge's Comment

This is an excellent attempt at poetry writing in Cantonese. In each of the poem's four stanzas, every line fully rhymes—the rhyme vowels are drawn respectively from the four characters 離, 散, 光, 復. The effort required to achieve this is clear. In terms of imagery, there is coherence between opening and close, both using "the moon." At the same time, however, the rhyming renders the poem somewhat over-regular, which paradoxically weakens its musicality when read aloud—the result of each stanza's sole rhyme vowel being repeated ten to fifteen times, leaving the regularity without sufficient flexibility. The classical principle that "the first, third, and fifth positions are flexible; the second, fourth, and sixth are fixed" was itself a pursuit of balance between regularity and freedom. Furthermore, unless one deliberately writes obscure verse in the manner of Li Shangyin—inviting the reader to open their imagination without limit—two things must be attended to: the theme and the imagery used to illuminate it. In poetry, especially short poetry, clarity of theme is paramount; imagery should not be excessive, as too much disperses focus on the theme and makes it difficult for readers to absorb. Typically one image per stanza is sufficient; the remaining lines circle that image with precision, giving it depth and dimension. Setting an abstract theme for each of the four stanzas is of course permissible, but five or six images per stanza seems excessive. On these points, one may consult Chapter 48 of Dream of the Red Chamber, where Daiyu teaches Xiangling to write poetry: "Form is ultimately secondary; what matters first is the intent. If the meaning is true, even unpolished words will be fine—this is called 'not letting words harm meaning.'" The "intent" referred to here means establishing the theme. To summarize, I offer as a model of fine poetry in Cantonese the song "Wu Mei Niang" (舞媚娘)... [with examples of classical Cantonese rhyming]. For those who wish to seriously develop poetry written in Cantonese, in addition to learning from the finest Cantonese popular songs, one can also draw nourishment from classical verse; it is also worth consulting vernacular poetry written by May Fourth writers, especially Hu Shi.

— Lian Yi-zheng (練乙錚)